Sleepy but awake.

Why did I ever think that spreading my legs for a guy was the way to their "heart", to get love , to feel love and to be loved.

I will never understand my past behaviors.

I often tried to explain to myself why I acted in certain ways. Not thinking about hurting others I was hurting myself. In the long run it's true,but you never think about it at the time. When you do , it's too late. You end up with a "tag". They all know they can get it off you.

One time after another I kept making MISTAKES. It seems like I never learned from them and I didn't see things as they were.

How naive are we ,when were young and what a price you pay for it when you grow up. Could I call them mistakes? They feel like it , certainly.

I was told not once or twice but plenty of times , reminded of it . That I was a Whore, an Attention Seeking Whore. It's so easy to label someone ,because of something that they have done, without knowing the reasons .

What were my reasons ? That I wanted to be close to someone, to love me for who I was , my flaws, to pay me attention?

Why did I treat some people with no respect and at the same time disrespected myself.
Attention seeking? Was there something missing?

Anytime some one paid me attention , I never thought of their agenda. I just kept thinking about the time that they were giving me. Their own time.  It made me happy I felt wanted .

It's so hard to figure this all out in your head, to make your future easier for yourself , to let go out things you have done in the past.


I keep thinking, still and probably will for a long time, but I need to figure this out. Not for you , but for myself.

I owe it to myself.